10 Wellbeing tips at Christmas

The following guided steps are informed using our HEROES approach to working with our emotions, and crafted especially for That Leeds Mag!

Turn inwards when you’re ‘triggered’, rather than outwards

An emotional ‘trigger’ is when an experience in the present moment sparks an uncomfortable emotional reaction within us. We may feel it in the body to start with and then be tempted to move into a reactionary state. A reactionary or defensive state nearly always fuels the fire, so let’s try something new.

In truth, our triggers are always reflecting back to us something which is unhealed in us. They are present moment indicators which carry feint ‘echoes’ from the past. So family situations with people we have had long history with, whom we may ordinarily avoid, can be big trigger zones!

Turning inwards would require that we take a pause, slow down enough to witness the emotion rising in us and then work with that emotion within us, with compassion and presence.

It is important not to try and ‘get rid of’ difficult feelings, else they may come back bigger. When we work with them, rather than against them, we have a beautiful opportunity in front of us not only to feel better in the present moment, but also heal parts of us which may be holding us back in other areas of our lives too.

• You may need to remove yourself from a situation if you’re noticing difficult and uncomfortable feelings coming up. I would recommend that you do this as soon as possible rather than trying to wait until it becomes too much. We want to implement this as soon as we’re noticing those ‘feint echoes’ we spoke of earlier. You could even excuse yourself and say you’re going to the bathroom and do this practice in there!
• Once you have space, we want to use the process of what we like to call in HEROES; ‘turning inwards’. Within this process to start with we want to regulate the body and step out of the head and thoughts for a moment.

Take some deep breaths and be fully with your bodily experience. Come into contact with where you feel the emotion is sitting most in the body. Hold your hand(s) over that part of the body and breathe deeply into that space. Try to make your exhale slightly longer than your inhale. Sit with this for a few moments.

• Enter what we call in HEROES; a process of self-inquiry. In order for this process to be the most effective, in truth we want to take the situation and other person/people involved totally out of it for this moment and just bring focus to our internal experience. See the emotional energy within you almost as a separate part of you. And you are the ‘watcher’ of it. Our aim now is not to try and get rid of this wounded, upset, angry (or ‘insert difficult emotion here’!) part of us, but merely to hold that part close with curiosity, compassion and kindness. It may help to close your eyes.
• Validate this part of you. Meet it where it’s at. Communicating with this upset within you, you may like to name the emotion, keeping your hand(s) over the space you feel it in the body. If the feeling is anger I encourage you to dig deeper and see the emotion under the anger. (Anger is always a secondary emotion which is a result of unexpressed or un-permitted other emotions such as fear, sadness, worry, grief and guilt.)

Speak to this part of you with validation. “I see you, I hear you, I see you’re feeling _______________ right now. I get it, you’re allowed to be here.” There is a sense of allowing which comes into play here, and a sense of gentleness about this work, not attack.

• Take the compassion outwards. Following the introspection, it can be extremely powerful to take your focus and thoughts to all others feeling the way you are. Recognise that there are thousands of other people going through what you are in this moment. Spare a thought for them all and root for them to get through it too and heal: “I spare a thought for all others going through exactly what I am right now. I will for them all to feel better.” This is an extremely transformative practice which breeds a sense of connection over disconnection, and can solidify connection to Self and others.
• Don’t take it personally! Once you return to your ‘trigger zone’, try above all else to not take things that others do or say personally! Everyone is going through their own internal experience, fuelled by their own conditioning. If people are being rude or thoughtless, difficult or even mean, recognise it’s about them and their internal state, not about you.
• Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. When in a regulated place, following using the above steps, remember that it is ok to set boundaries, without guilt or shame attached. These boundaries can be about the amount of time you choose to spend with others, who you sit next to, topics you choose to avoid, behaviour you will not accept being around or even what you will have your kids exposed to or not. Boundaries are there to help you feel safe and it can be healthy and helpful to clarify these in your mind prior to entering situations you predict may be fraught. I highly encourage you to ensure you don’t communicate from a place of an extreme trigger when you are in the thick of emotional reactivity, but try and get to a more regulated place before expressing these (use the afore-mentioned steps to regulate yourself). This will ensure you are able to communicate more effectively, assertively and in a more grounded manner than flying off the handle and going into defence mode.
• Avoid drinking too much! Yes we know, it can feel very tempting to down the booze if we are heading into a predictably fraught situation, however drinking can take you out of your conscious mind and into unconscious patterns. It is recommended to stay as grounded as possible when entering situations that you may find difficult. You could maybe set a boundary with yourself and limit yourself to a certain number of drinks before you stop. You could ask a partner or someone else to make sure they help you stick to this.
• Set an intention and keep an open mind. At the end of the day, sometimes situations where we predict the most conflict or upset, can often turn out to not be as bad as we initially thought they would be. Going into the situation with a clear intention, for example to stay connected to yourself, or to focus on enjoying the little things (such as the food) as much as possible, or bringing in gratitude and focus on that which you do favour about the day, may help support you to feel connected with others, even if you ordinarily don’t enjoy being around them.
• Reach out for support if needs be. It is important for you to have a place to express how you feel. In an ideal world, this will be a loved one, or someone you feel safe with that you are close to. If you don’t feel safe sharing how you are feeling with anyone in your life at present however, please know that you do not have to go through this alone. There are some wonderful helplines to support through difficult times. And contrary to popular belief, you do not have to wait until things get drastic to use them. Samaritans can be called any time of the day or night on 116123 and a wonderful Leeds local helpline called Connect Helpline is available between 6pm and 2am on 08088001212.

Please do not struggle in silence!

However you choose to navigate this festive season, above all else we can aim to navigate it with kindness, compassion, strength and peace. Even if it’s a tough one for you in whatever way, please remember that all feelings are temporary, just like the seasons! After all, we live in a cycle of renewal, within which change is always possible. In the words of legend Lauryn Hill: “After Winter, must come Spring. Everything is everything..”

Want to know more about me and the HEROES Programme: www.mirandaarieh.co.uk

Or drop me an email: [email protected]